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Excerpt from 'murder at the academy' Best performance by a bad girl Oscar night.Hollywood.The blaze of klieg lights.The smell of perfume, jasmine, and fear in the air love it. No evening in the year holds greater power.To those who soar or suffer by hollywood's whims, this annual honor, bestowed by the academy of motion picture arts and sciences, is instant and indelible.Tonight, amid the glitter and pageantry, transformations would occur.A thousand well dressed people would walk into hollywood's kodak theatre, but in three hours' time, only a few dozen of them would walk out holding golden statuettes, branded for the rest of their lives:The best. And before those worthy names could be called onstage inside the theater, another glittering pageant was well in progress outside.We had a little ritual of our own that also glorified the evening's finest talent but perhaps, in a moment of much balance, punctured a few inflated egos as well red carpet preshow coverage.This was where i took my part on the star spangled battlefield.I, maxine taylor, have the privilege of holding a mike and brushing elbows with the great ones the battle scars that come with it.While the talent of the stars is luminous, fascinating, unquestionable, their fashion choices may not be.Someone, after all, must play the role of jester at hollywood's royal court, and that would be me. The crowd around me, jack nicholson bumping into leonardo dicaprio, was aswirl.In my earpiece, the voice of my young, hotshot director, will beckerman, boomed,"Max, grab cameron! "And suddenly, as is the nature of the evening, a gorgeous young celebrity dressed in some unfortunate piece of satin was thrust at me by her phalanx of handlers.I let go of brad pitt and angelina jolie, two solid gold"Gets,"Allowing them to be pulled off into the onrush of lights and crowds, and i revved up, turning to face my new interviewee, pulling her closer beside me into a nice tight two shot. "Cameron diaz is here,"I announced to my at home audience above the noise of the throbbing crowd.I'd snagged another a lister before any other red carpet reporter.Everyone kept a scorecard of gets, a list of celebrity interviews one was able to get, and our careers could be instantly over if our ratio of a list to b list should suddenly fall.Hundreds of my competitors, stretched down a long row beside me, were now quietly seething at my good fortune.I blocked all that out as my camera's on air light glowed red. Cameron smiled and said,"Max taylor!It's good to see you. "There was the requisite hugging and kissing.Then she added,"Be nice. " We both laughed.Like that would happen. Over broad whitened smiles, cameron and i eyed each other closely.What she saw was a fairly well kept faux blond, thirty three year old woman. (Okay, who was i kidding?Forty.Okay, okay!Forty.Nine.But they could put bamboo under my nails, and i'd still deny it. )I was dripping in borrowed estate diamonds and draped in a stunning gold michael kors gown.Tasteful.Yet wow.Cameron's eyes narrowed, recognizing perhaps that i now wore the same borrowed diamond earrings she'd worn two years ago. I, on the other hand, felt my own eyes grow wide as i gazed at the outfit she'd selected. "Who are michael kors bags outlet you wearing? "I asked, my raspy voice perhaps just a tad raspier, gaping at the monstrous green gown that only a trappist monk could love. Cameron mentioned the name of a young designer, then turned 360 degrees so we could absorb the full effect of all those wasted yards of seaweed hued satin. "Tell the truth, max,"She said like a brave young thing who was ready to take her medicine,"What do you think? " "It's something! "I marveled. "Very few people could wear a dress like that. " Cameron beamed. "You doll. " Then, before i could add,.But you're not one of them, she heard her name called from the stands of screaming fans and turned to wave.That's the red carpet.Blink and your interview is o v e r. I quickly changed gears.As the dewy beauty was whisked away to yet another interview, trailing a long train of poison green tulle, i turned to my camera. "Cameron diaz.Someone i love and adore and worship.But i have to tell you winona ryder wouldn't shoplift that dress. " Yes, i said that. Oh, come on.I'm max taylor, and that's my thing.I worked my way up from the cellar comedy clubs in manhattan by telling the truth and saying what no one else would say.Look, i'll make a promise:If you should discover the cure for cancer, i swear i will not make a joke about what you wear to pick up your nobel prize.You, cancer curer, are safe with me.Global warming averter, too.But everyone else.Watch out. The mad swirl of pre award excitement ratcheted up a notch, and i checked my borrowed diamond encrusted harry winston watch:Twenty six minutes until oscar showtime inside the kodak theatre, if one could trust a $140, 000 timepiece to tell good time.Which meant in just twenty six minutes, our red carpet coverage would end, and i still hadn't nailed an interview to top last year's show.And in the castle where i work, they serve last year's jester as appetizers.Around me, the throng of glittering almost stars, ministars, megastars, and over the hill dino stars, along with all their nervous star tenders, began pressing forward as they realized it was time to get out of the hot afternoon sun and into their seats. I, as always, kept right on talking julia roberts gorgeous this year?The government should pay her to stay home and have more babies, you know, like a natural resource"The airtime until my next celebrity was delivered. Just off camera was my own crew, the guerrilla commandos who kept me powdered and prepped throughout two hours of red carpet combat:Hair, makeup, personal assistant, darling pet, all accounted for.Add to this behind the scenes cadre my celebrity wrangler, cindy chow, the predatory huntress who even now stalked arriving vips, tracking down the most transcendent names for me to interview.Chick.But don't let the sweet demeanor and those double c cups fool you.That woman has a vicious streak, which is an excellent trait in a wrangler.She was waving at me to get my attention. "Ah,"I said, spying the man she had in her hot little hands,"Here comes a repeat academy award nominee, the guy who walked the line, Joaquin phoenix. "I jabbed my mike in the direction of the tousled, dark, brooding movie star coming up the red carpet. "Joaquin! "I shouted, trying not to spit.It's a hard name to pronounce.Try it. He slowed down but didn't quite make eye contact. michael kors online outlet "Amazing performance, joaquin,"I yelled.Why hadn't cindy brought him closer?He was just outside mike range.Joaquin, what kind of mother names her son joaquin?Clearly a mother who doesn't give a damn who spits at her kid all his life. He took another step toward me, but then, pulled along by his agent and still several feet from my particular square of red carpet, he came to a complete halt. My earpiece buzzed alive. "Where the hell is your next interview? "Screamed my frazzled michael kors australia director.I was now on the air, live, interviewing nobody.I momentarily envisioned cindy losing her job in the bloody postmortem of this night's show.It was war, and our side was suddenly at risk of losing. In the great crush, deborah norville stepped off her mark and grabbed joaquin's arm, snatching him away for herself.I was furious and tried to reach for him myself, but little miss locust valley tea party had a grip on him that could win her a world wrestling title.Bitch!Of course i kept score.We all do. "You lost him,"Cried my director into my ear.Like i didn't know that. "We're dying here.Go to drew,"His voice ordered. "Let's see who drew is talking to now,"I said to the camera, seamlessly moving our live show along, segueing to my daughter, who held an interview position with her own camera crew closer to the door of the kodak.I checked the video monitor and saw my lovely daughter and cohost standing next to the extraordinarily tall and dreamy vince vaughn.Our director, will, was still yelling something stupid in my ear, but i was at that moment suddenly propelled into mom mode.My daughter is twenty five years old and single, so why wasn't this naturally endowed girl wearing a"Bait"Dress with the neckline cut down to her waist?I despaired of her insistence on good taste.Opportunity missed. "Say hi to vince for me,"I said cheerfully, handing the show off.Drew laughed her sparkling professional laugh and took it from there, and my own camera light went dark. It's kindly been noted by the press that with my first red carpet coverage of the oscars in 1985, i invented the red carpet arrival.But now, alas, dozens of entertainment news outlets have charged onto the scene:Entertainment tonight, access hollywood, along with all the networks and hundreds of magazines, so we are in a glutted market.Drew and i are the featured hosts with cable television's firecracker style network, glam tv, and the suits at glam expect us to outdo our competitors, star for bloody star.It's cutthroat.With such jackals as diane sawyer, lisa rinna, and charlie gibson in hot pursuit(I kid, but you don't want to get near an elbow when charlie is running after jennifer lopez), the thing that distinguishes our trademark red carpet coverage for Glam boils down to a steady stream of big names, their own unfathomable sense of style, and, frankly, what unrehearsed and exciting moments Drew and I can coax out of them.Clearly, we are at a disadvantage without some big stars, and standing out on the carpet without a gigantic celeb next to me for more than thirty seconds of wasted time, i was now starting to get cranky.
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